Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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