I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
