i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
