I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
