Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
