We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
