And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
