So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
