I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
