Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
