This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
