Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
