She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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