I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
