I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
