Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
