Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
