Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
