Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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