i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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