every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
