tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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