An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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