i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
