Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
