Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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