She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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