drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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