how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
