What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
