Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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