pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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