four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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