the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
