so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
