im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hippo gnu deer
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
