i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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