If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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