I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
