remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
