Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
