Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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