R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
