She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
