People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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