College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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