mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
