i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
