I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
