Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
