My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
