I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
